


(Can't Go On) Without You

by ChemicalNovember



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Bottom Sherlock, Jealousy, Lestrade ships them, M/M, Romance, Top John
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-11 22:35:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9037676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChemicalNovember/pseuds/ChemicalNovember
Summary: The taste burned in his mouth and traces down to his stomach. Everything around him is spinning. He’d already downed dozens and dozens of shots that he already lost count. He always thought that these would make him forget, but it didn’t. It’s still on his mind, the only one he loved and cared about aside from his job.Dr. John Watson





	

   The music was blaring loud on the four corners of the darkened room. Neon lights were flashing around making his head hazy and dull. He never liked these and he’s never going to get used to this. He hates doing these things because he’s too brilliant to want his head to get stained with dullness. But what he needs now is to waste himself on alcohol.

The taste burned in his mouth and traces down to his stomach. Everything around him is spinning. He’d already downed dozens and dozens of shots that he already lost count. He always thought that these would make him forget, but it didn’t. It’s still on his mind, the only one he loved and cared about aside from his job.

**_Dr. John Watson._ **

It’s funny, really. How people always imply that he and John were a couple. They said it was obvious but there was nothing going on between the two of them.

_Or was there?_

He denies it on his mind but it was his heart that contradicts.

He once heard Irene and John’s conversation when he secretly followed them. He eavesdrop their whole exchange on the building where Adler confronts his best friend.

She said that she thinks John liked him more than she did and even implied that John was jealous with the attention she was getting from him. Her words fed coals to the faint ambers of hope inside his heart—that maybe John was the one for him. Until now, he didn’t know if he was grateful of his chance meeting with Irene because if it wasn’t for her, he wouldn’t have the perfect excuse to waste himself on alcohol, and maybe he would never have to hold on to that possibility that John liked him too.

It’s been years but people still believe that he was drinking himself to death because of her, but he wasn’t.

People around them often say that it was obvious from the start, by how John put up with him after all his twisted and childish habits, and all the things that happened to them. They fit together perfectly. That’s what he knows and that’s what can never happen. John said it himself when Irene summoned him.

 _“We’re not a couple”_ he said, “ _I am not gay.”_

Sherlock downed another glass of the bitter liquid that made his mind even fuzzier than it was. His eyes were blood-shot from crying. If he doesn’t stop he’ll pass out any minute now.

“Sherlock?” A man’s voice and Sherlock slowly turned his head. He squinted at the figure standing behind him. It took him a while to recognize the familiar face.

“Lestrade?” Sherlock hiccupped. The salt-and-pepper haired man slid down next to him. Sherlock curled his arms to Lestrade’s shoulders and pull him in a sideways hug.

“W-what are you doing in such a place like this? I thought you never drink,” Even after the Consulting Detective let loose of him, Lestrade was still flustered because of Sherlock’s sudden and unusual action.

“No, I am.” Sherlock sniggers, he raised his glass but squinted at its bottom when he realized it was empty. “Gods why is this already empty? Another glass please!”

The bartender settled another in front of Holmes, which latter emptied again in a blink of an eye.

“Were you crying?”

Sherlock wiped the tears from his eyes, “No, it’s just the alcohol making me drowsy.”

“How much did you already drink, and where’s John?” Lestrade scanned around the crowd looking for the short companion of Sherlock. “You’ll be in trouble if you passed out here.”

“John’s on a date, maybe already proposing to Mary.” The taste of her name on his mouth is a lot worse than the alcohol. The way Sherlock contorts his face into a hurt expression didn’t go amiss from Lestrade’s watchful eyes, but then Sherlock’s face suddenly lit up like Christmas lights and goes on about the unexpected reaction he got with his reunion with John.

“Have I told you how John goes ballistic after I showed up? We’ve been kicked out so many times from a restaurant and diners when I tried to explain everything to him. I thought he will be delighted to see me, but that reunion had broken not only my heart but also my nose.”

Lestrade smiled genuinely as leaned his elbows on the counter. Sherlock was clueless of how fast his facial expressions change whenever he talks about John.

Growing up with a brother like Mycroft Sherlock somewhat find it hard to open himself and get along with other people, and on the other hand, John can be hard to deal with sometimes because of his outbursts being stressed back then and all. Now it was different because it was as if they were both naked in front of each other. So bare of everything and no secrets… well maybe except when it was related to his job and when he needs to keep it from John in order to protect him.

“Who wouldn’t have done that? The guy loves you more than you ever know.”

Sherlock snorted, not believing Lestrade’s words. “He attacked me when I pretended to be a waiter back in The Landmark London. Who would seriously do that if you really miss a person? I thought it would’ve been very funny to show up like that. If you only knew how ridiculous I looked when I put a fake moustache with a marker to mask my identity. He looks like he’d seen a ghost. When he realized who I was, he jumped for my throat.” Sherlock shook his head at the recent memory, “And then there you were, an old acquaintance whom I always pick-pocket to bully whenever you become too annoying; excitedly threw arms around me the moment I showed up on the parking lot. See the difference between a friend who hates you and a friend who loves you now?”

 The Detective Inspector shook his head at the dark haired man. “You’re hopeless. No wonder why you never noticed.”

Sherlock looked at him funny before asking, “Never noticed what?”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

“Nope, you’re not making any sense.”

“I never knew that alcohol can dull you this bad.”

“What’s the point of ‘drinking to forget’ if you can still remember the reason of being drunk?”

Lestrade looks quite amused when Sherlock giggled it off. He really is an idiot, drinking because of unrequited love. What a funny thing.

Sherlock signalled for another and the bartender placed another glass in front of him. He reached for it but his body told him that he’s had enough. He fell off his chair and sprawled on the floor vomiting all the liquor he had taken.

“For fucks sake, Sherlock. You really don’t quit even if you’ve had enough, huh?” Lestrade helped him sat up and rubbed Sherlock’s back. “I’ll take you home now, can you stand?”

Sherlock murmured incoherent words then passed out.  The last thing he saw was Lestrade’s face gazing down on him.

 

 

 

It feels like it was only a few seconds passed when his eyes fluttered wide open.

He was lying on the couch and John was on his usual spot with a coffee in hand, and stern face looking directly at him. Sherlock sat up and shook his head to focus his spinning vision but the pounding of his head got worse. He groaned and put his hands on his head. He stayed still until the ache subsided. Was it just him or it was really hot in their flat?

“Lestrade brought you home earlier.” John said, “It’s still early, yet you managed to get yourself drunk.”

Sherlock gets off the bed and ridiculously dragged himself towards the fridge. He rummaged through the groceries Mrs. Hudson bought for him.

John followed his eyes to Sherlock’s figure. Even if he was amused, he was too upset towards the other man to spare a laugh at his drunken state.

“What is it to you, it’s just 10 and you’re already home from your date with Mary?” Sherlock countered, “Aren’t you going to propose to her since I ruined that marriage proposal?”

He paused and eyed the goods, waiting for John’s reply, but no answer came. Sherlock kept talking.

“I wonder where you left off that time before I showed and got beaten by you. I was really surprised and hurt of your reaction, John. I thought you were going to give me a warm, loving hug like Lestrade’s but-”

“What?” John cuts him off.

Silence befalls over them. Sherlock’s eyebrows creased in question. There were butterflies in his stomach when the thought of John being jealous of Lestrade came across his mind. Though it was impossible he still grasped at those thin straws.

He shook the idea out of head.

“What do you mean what?”

“You were disappointed? Hurt of my reaction? How does that even hurt?”

“You punched me, John. Don’t tell me that a punch doesn’t hurt for you.”

In a flash of light, John grabbed the collar of the taller man and pinned him against the wall.

“Umf.” Sherlock groaned as the back of his head hits the wallpapers. Sherlock was never that easy to be won over just like that. Maybe John was really stronger than him, or maybe it was just Sherlock liking the dominance of John, between the two he likes to believe the latter.

“Of course it would hurt but tell me Sherlock, how close does it feel to a broken heart?” John gritted his teeth. Bitterness and pain were audible in his voice. Hurt and anger was written on his face. Sherlock can’t stand seeing him like that. He tried to move away from John’s strong grip. Just now, he’s realizing it really was John’s strength that made him helpless despite their height difference.

“I was moving on, Sherlock. I had progress building myself again, making myself whole. But all it took was a pop of cork and it’s all shattered again.”

Sherlock became still like an ice sculpture, either because of the proximity of John’s lips to his ears or those cold words that escaped from those lips that used to mutter praises to him back then.

“Mary has already mended it, hasn’t she?” Sherlock answered instead, pain rooting deep within his heart. He knew where this is leading. His love will always be the voice a deaf man that can never hear. He’s lost to her. John’s not a queer. It always has to be this way. The first time they met, he told John that he was married to his job, but the truth is he was reminding himself that HE CAN’T BE ATTACHED TO SOMEONE.

There’s always a horror behind a skip of a heart and butterflies on the stomach. John was a quicksand and Sherlock was the victim that was struggling to stop sinking furthermore, yet the more he fights against his feelings, the more his feelings grows fond. He can’t let him go, but he can’t go on like this. They were just friends. That’s all there ever was, from the start until he plays dead. Maybe it’s better if they both get a fresh start.

“I get it. She’s the salve, I’m just a ghost from two years ago who shattered it again. Mary had picked up the pieces. You’re already happy. Happier than those short time when we solve crimes together, now I know you wouldn’t need me. But-“

_I honestly need you John._

“If you want me to go just tell-”

John punched the wall, making Sherlock wince. “IT WAS TWO YEARS, SHERLOCK. TWO YEARS. DON’T JUST GO MAKE YOURSELF THE PITIFUL ONE HERE THEN DASH OFF TO GOD KNOWS WHERE THE BLOODY HELL YOU ARE. IF YOU REALLY SEE ME AS YOUR FRIEND YOU COULD’VE GAVE ME A SIGN OR ANYTHING JUST TO LET ME KNOW YOU’RE NOT A COLD CORPSE ROTTING UNDER THE GROUND. I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR HOME, SHERLOCK. I THOUGHT IT WAS ME WHO COULD PICK UP WITH YOUR TWISTED THINKING.”

“I’ve got no choice, John. It wasn’t easy, I had to do that.”

“No choice? Your parents and 25 other people know and you said I was your friend yet you do not trust me? What the fuck Sherlock?  Who am I to you, huh, no one?” John took a deep breath; tears were threatening to fall from the corner of his eyes. “Do you even know what hurts mean? Have you ever care to what I feel at all? It was nothing compared to what I’ve been through! Do you know what I always wish when I visit your grave? I wish that you’re not dead. Did you have any idea how fucked up I was that time?!”

“I had to make that sacrifice to keep you safe.”

“What’s the point of being safe if you’re killing me without your presence, and coming out of nowhere acting like nothing happened? What the fuck is wrong with you!?”

“I do what I had to do. I’m not the friend you expect me to be, John. I thought you’d accepted that fact when you agreed to be my flatmate. But, I guess I get it all wrong. I’m an idiot, after all.”

Just like the storm of feelings got released from its containment calmness takes over. John didn’t expect Sherlock to say those things. Sherlock would do everything to prove he’s right, and they’re wrong even if it means his life.

Sherlock lightly pushed John away and heads to the door. He’s tired of getting the wrong idea of John’s words. Maybe it’s time to let go of things.

“Where are you going?” John asked,

“Take all your time to sort all your things that remained here. I’m just getting on your way, I won’t be home ‘till morning, I’m going to crash at Lestrade’s-”

John yanked him by the collar and their lips collided. That taken Sherlock by surprise, his heart was pounding so loudly that he can hear its beats on his ears.

He was so confused and at the same time happy that his chest feels like it was going to explode.

Once he got over from the euphoric state of being kissed by the man he loves, he wasn’t sure if he was going to push John away. Fortunately, the way John was kissing him with such passion and hunger lets Sherlock decide what to do. He kissed him back, and he put all those love he kept for years into the kiss. The fight was slowly melting into need and wants of each other to one another, breaking the ice and turning it to warm cozy fire.

He pulled John down the floor. Sherlock had to pull away to gasp for breath but the man towering over him locked their lips again. Their obvious hunger to each other turned to lust and it’s only a matter of time Sherlock found himself spreading his legs in front of John, fingers rubbing inside him making him feel good.

“I won’t let him take you away.” John says as he scissored his fingers inside Sherlock. The bottom-man moaned in response, not quite comprehending what John was saying right now. The only clear thing he knows was he needs to be filled. “I’m still in love with you.”

John pulled out his fingers from Sherlock’s hole, and Sherlock opened his eyes. He’s going to die by the words that escaped John’s mouth.

“For goodness sake, John, you chose to say that joke now?” Sherlock asked, not believing the other man. “Let’s get this over with, you’re ruining the mood.”

Sherlock rise up to kiss him only to be pushed flat on the bed again.

“Look, Sherlock, I’m serious.” He studied John’s eyes. The truth as bright as sun’s was etched on his face. “I’m not sorry about our argument earlier because you really are an idiot. But, I think it was because of my jealousy that I lashed it all to you because it was Lestrade who brought you home. I know he’s got thing for you and it’s obvious. I don’t want you to hate me, and I don’t want to think that I’m going to have sex with you with my feelings unsaid. I failed to say it earlier because of my damn jealousy but… Sherlock, I’ve been in love with you from the very moment I saw you.”

Sherlock sat up, his lustful head trying to get a grip of reality and what John just said. “I thought you hate me?”

“You get it wrong,” John said, holding Sherlock’s thighs to keep him on his place. “So… I know I’ve over-reacted earlier and stupid for not telling it to you sooner, because that Lestrade really gets into my nerves, he said he’s going to take you away from me and claim you if I don’t act fast, and that really upset me because you seem to like him too and I don’t want you to choose him. I let my anger run up to my head, but I really love you Sherlock-“

“How about Mary?” Sherlock cuts off with the only question he needs an answer.

“She knows I’m still in love with you that’s why we decided to break up. At first, I thought she was the one for me but when you came back, its all clear. I love no one else this much except you. You’re my true love, Sherlock.”

Cheesy as it may get but Sherlock was happy that after all these years, John was also in love with him. He started to cry.

 “Hey, hey, don’t cry” John wiped the tears that trickled down Sherlock’s face. “Why are you crying, Sherlock?”

Sherlock threw his arms around John and curled his legs around John’s waist. “Claim me. Make me yours.” He whispered in John’s ear.

John smiled and carry on where they left off. He inserts his member inside Sherlock and slowly thrusts inside him. When Sherlock finally get used to the feeling, he moved in sync with John and let him have his way with him.

“Now, I want to know your answer.” John said as he moved in and out of Sherlock, “do you love me?”

Sherlock placed his hand on John’s cheek, trying his best to say the words clearly between his gasps and seductive moans. John was clearly enjoying it, because Sherlock feels him got bigger inside him.

Sherlock desperately clutches the bed sheets when John started to stroke his leaking member. And that was all it takes for him to scream out his love for John as they both climaxed from their seventh heaven.

****

After what happened, they both fell asleep. The first one to wake up is Sherlock, quite happy of the new established relationship between him and John. Sherlock smiled at the memory of last night and was about to doze off again when John’s phone chirped.

John stirred and took his phone out of the pocket of his pants which was lying on the floor. Sherlock peeked from John’s shoulder to see who it was from.

 

_Not so sorry about saying stuffs like I’ll take Sherlock away from you. Wish it helped making you guys realize you’ve got feelings for each other ;)_

_-Lestrade_

The both of them exchange looks and laughed. Sherlock was so going to treat Lestrade more nicely because of his help to make them realize their feelings for each other.

“I think I owe Lestrade now.” Sherlock said as he kissed John’s lips.

“Well, I guess _we_ owe him.” John said between their kisses.

They make out and make love all morning, cherishing the time spent with one another knowing that now; none of the two of them has to face things alone because they have each other.

**Author's Note:**

> When I was writing the bed scene I can’t help but think about Fumi-kun of Elektel Delusion. He really reminds me of Benedict Cumberbatch.  
> Anyways, thank you for reading this fanfic!!! I hope you enjoy it ^^ I was supposed to finish this 3 months ago, but school and some other things had kept me occupied that’s why I’m very glad that I finally finish this. So huurraaaayyyyy!!!! 
> 
> Wish you have a Merry Christmas ;)


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